How to Create Meaningful Relationships
Everything in life is built around relationships.
The connective spark of an ovum and a sperm ignites life. During pregnancy, the fetus forms a relationship with the parents, especially with the mother. Many of my clients can even recall memories in utero. These nine months of becoming are already informing us on a very deep level: What we believe about ourselves, how safe we think the world is, whether it is a world of fear or love, to name a few.
Growing up and engaging with life is all based on relationships, with people, cultures, nature and the environment. We become attached to certain thoughts, beliefs, feelings and emotions. Hopefully by the time we die, we are at peace with the most important relationship in life, the one we have with ourselves.
A Mirror for the Self
In one of my favorite books, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” Debbie Ford shares how people we live or work with, and even strangers, can be a mirror for us. They reflect those subconscious parts within ourselves we have difficulties to accept and embrace. The person who cuts the line at the cashier, the colleague who talks nonstop about her problems, or the perceived ignorance of a loved one. They all bring forth a multitude of emotions, beliefs and reactions. Unconsciously, we project our own undesired qualities onto others and then overreact once we witness others enacting what we so fiercely reject in ourselves.
You must go into the dark in order to bring forth your light.
“When we suppress any feeling or impulse, we are also suppressing its polar opposite. Ifwe deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty. If we deny our fear, we minimize our courage. If we deny our greed, we also reduce our generosity. Our full magnitude is more than most of us can ever imagine.”
It is therefore essential to understand our triggers and underlying beliefs as an invitation to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and to embrace those hidden parts. Integrating these undesired traits not only brings us closer to living authentically, it helps us to cultivate compassion, understanding and acceptance in our relationships with others.
The Village Fire
The sun is setting and a fire has been lit in the center of the village. Everyone slowly gathers around the crackling flames in anticipation. The storyteller begins to speak and the characters of his story come alive whilst the night settles in. When you look around, you notice the focused attention of the villagers, intently taking in the words, forming their own understanding and insights. Everyone remains seated in the circle until the end.
Unlike a YouTube video, this story is being shared in real time. We can’t pause the storyteller in the middle, to continue at a later point in time at our choosing. The time to listen to the words, absorb their meaning and translate that into something to take home with, exists only in that moment.
Listening was an important skill for oral traditions to be passed on in detail and as accurately as possible. In today’s world, the overflow of information encourages channel hopping, dipping in and out of podcasts and scrolling through social media feeds, without really absorbing what we listen to. The optimal video length for social media videos is about 30 seconds to two minutes, just short enough to capture the most views. Would we – could we - spend an hour in the center of a village to listen to just words, without images and without any sounds other than the crackling fire and the animals of the night.
I believe we would. Our current style of communicating with emoticons, abbreviations and gif’s lacks nuance, presence and depth. What is missing in this technology-driven world is real connection. We don’t take the time anymore to pause and BE. Be with someone and be genuinely interested in what they have to share. Like with social media, most are only interested in skimming the surface of each other’s life, or worse being more concerned about themselves than the other. Deep conversations that tug at our core, filled with presence, emotions, reflection, and a possibility for transformation is a rare occasion in this fast-paced world today.
Whom would we want to spend more time with to create a more meaningful relationship?
The person who
a) Asks us superficial questions, checks the hand phone whilst half-heartedly listening to our replies, then says “nice talking to you” and leaves us behind with the feeling that he wasn’t interested in the first place.
b) Is present, listens genuinely and asks intelligent questions that invite us to gain new perspectives, open up to new insights and bring to the surface a new understanding of ourselves? Someone who makes us feel we matter and are important the way we are?
We all know the answer. At least consciously.
Taking the other in
When we let go of our own importance for a moment or two, we will connect on a level that acknowledges the person in their humanness without any judgment. This means being fully present with someone else, staying curious about their values and motivation, and seeing them through their life experiences.
““The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” ”
The ability to be with each other in the present moment means being without any thoughts of personal gain, comparison, or need to fix. Taking them in as they are in that moment - vulnerable, angry, joyous, desperate - and acknowledging them for who they are will open the door for a meaningful relationship.
Of course, this requires the other person to be open to share, have the courage to be vulnerable and to trust they will be safe in doing so. It takes two to tango and likewise in a relationship both parties are needed to do their bit to grow this connection.
What does it mean to each of us?
This brings me to the question of common ground, the definition of a meaningful relationship. Like most other things in life, it is a very personal definition. For one person, deep, revealing conversations are what create meaning. For another one it’s the shared moments of travels and activities, or the joint pursuit of the same vision. No matter what it is, it takes practicing presence, awareness and flexibility. It is a dynamic practice and never static, because we ourselves are constantly changing.
Over the course of every relationship, our definition of meaning and our needs change. We often feel the need to adapt to each other’s needs and unconsciously start to give up parts of ourselves that are in the way of a “harmonious” relationship. The more we neglect our authentic self, the more resentful we become of the self-created or perceived restrictions. If we are not mindful, we project these onto the other person. To realize that it’s our uniqueness and authenticity that draws others into our orbit, that enriches a relationship and often is the balancing aspect for someone else, helps us to dismantle the many masks and layers of pretense.
Ideally, we...
Support each other in becoming our best, authentic self by first and foremost accepting the weaknesses and strengths in everyone and to see what we have in common, which is generally much more once we look for it.
Treat others the way we would like to be treated. And if we can’t do that, it is time to examine what is in the way. It could be a subconscious belief of not deserving attention and love and therefore not able to give it freely. We might be too self-absorbed in our own drama and trauma to be present, or suffering from a constant leakage of energy that leaves us drained and at the level of bare survival.
Honor the divine expression of our human fellow beings, and as such they are perfect the way they are. In this human existence, we will mess up here and there. This is how we learn the fastest. Be forgiving - we don’t know what life lessons your friend or partner is trying to learn or what fears and hardwired beliefs drive their action. Be there to point things out without judgment. Important lessons are often painful to learn and because we are around, we have probably agreed to be of help.
Find the time to share what really matters to us. The courage to open one’s heart to possible hurt and rejection, the ability to stand in the center of strong emotions and not flinch and to not take things personally are important building blocks for an evolving relationship.
Focus on what we appreciate and enjoy in each other. Thoughts and feelings are powerful resources in manifesting a desired reality. It makes sense then to focus on the positive aspects of another person and relationship. Focusing on love, appreciation, gratitude and other positive emotions will create a shift in the relationship’s information field and create more of the same.
You are the key
What comes around, goes around.
It’s difficult to build meaningful relationships when we weren’t brought up with a reference point. Many people learned as kids “You can be seen, but not heard” and worse, it would be better not to be seen either. At one point in life, we will come across someone who takes the time to see and listen to us. This is a profound experience, the realization that we have inherent value in this world and that we matter. It is nurturing, uplifting, and empowering.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
When we want others to feel the same way, it’s up to us to create the necessary environment for this to happen. We may have the best intentions; in the end, it’s the action that counts. If the latter isn’t congruent, ask yourself, what is in the way for you to make it happen? What part of you isn’t aligned with being transparent, genuine, caring and present? Which part doesn’t feel safe to be authentic or to trust others?
Talk to a friend about it, share it with your partner if you can, or find professional help.
In every one of us there is the desire to connect beyond the superficial.
We all want to come home to us and each other.