How Listening Deepens Connections
One of the most fundamental needs of humanity is connection with others. And while it differs from person to person how much connection they need to thrive, it is essential for mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.
Connections
How do I know I feel connected?
What happens when you feel connected in a conversation?
Take a few moments to let these questions arrive inside and then sense what a response you are getting from within. Feel in your body what connection feels for you.
Then ask yourself:
"What do I need to feel connected?”
“What can others do to make me feel connected?”
“What can I do to feel connected with others and myself?"
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
It might have to do with receiving a smile, having eye contact, the other person being open to your points of view, being listened to with curiosity and non-judgment, being heard and seen or someone taking the time to be with you with no agenda.
We all want to belong, feel safe, and be valued. You can create this space for another by listening to others with openness, non-judgment, empathy, and curiosity.
It sounds simple - sitting with someone else, listening attentively, and being still. Well, it's easier said than done and some of you may already know this
Challenges to Listening with Presence
Some statements may trigger us and we feel attacked, judged, hurt, questioned, or abandoned, for example.. Suddenly, we shut down, not always knowing we have. Any openness or curiosity we had evaporates and we just aren’t listening anymore. Instead, we get side-tracked, drawn into our own story without realising it, and at worst, we get defensive.
Another major challenge is remaining open to different viewpoints on topics we strongly care about. We want to bring our point across. When we are focused on that, we aren’t listening with presence. What we are doing is waiting for the opportunity to share our advice, which is often not solicited.
Being preoccupied this way, we may not even realise our friend has moved onto a different topic. We may have missed the news our friend wants to share.
Here’s an example of that in action.
A mother shares her difficulties with her youngest son in a mother-child group. Another mum tries to help by sharing how challenging it is for her right now to deal with her teen going through puberty: "Ben is having temper tantrums? That's nothing! Julia is coming home whenever she wants to, doesn't care about helping in the house, and is in a foul mood all day. Wait until Ben gets into puberty!"
Why does this happen? Julia's mum may feel uneasy to bear the discomfort of Ben's mum having a hard time. By sharing what happens to her instead and how much more difficult it is with a teenager, she hopes that the other mum feels better hearing that there are even "more challenging situations to handle."
How do you think Ben's mum feels? Maybe she does feel better hearing that there are worse things than a little boy having a full-blown temper tantrum. She may also be annoyed, hurt, or sad for having been annoyed. Or belittled for her “easy” situation. Maybe she even starts to feel like a bad mother who can’t handle a simple problem like tantrums.
It's certainly not the best way to create connections.
What could be a different way of listening?
Continuing with the mother-child group, Julia’s mum may have offered the following:
"Ben is having temper tantrums? How is that for you?"
"Ben is having temper tantrums? That sounds like you are having a difficult time right now."
"Ben is having temper tantrums? I remember Julia going through that, and it was a challenging time."
There is no advice-giving or a downplaying of the experience. Ben's mum will likely feel heard, acknowledged, and connected.
Listening with empathy
"Seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another."
Alfred Adler
Alfred Adler's quote is one of my favourites about empathic listening. He wonderfully describes how tuning into the other person with our senses helps to step into their world for a better understanding and stronger connection.
How to listen with empathy?
Acknowledging the feelings and needs of another person offers validation of their perspective, experience, and challenges. It helps them to feel seen and heard.
Reflecting on what we heard signals that we listened to and understood the other person's feelings.
Taking the time to listen without interrupting is a rare and valuable gift to offer. How often does someone give you their time and full attention? It's an invaluable gift, and we genuinely feel different when we receive it.
Closely related to not interrupting is holding reflective silence. This gives the other person space and time to sit with what they have expressed, and for us to reflect, and sense freshly into what we heard.
Open-ended questions invite the other person to open up more, reflect, and possibly find their own answers rather than getting advice that often isn't.
Applying just one of the above aspects of empathic listening will help create better communication and deeper connections. Like every other skill, mastery comes with practice.