I am Here, Are you?
Photo by Heather Mount on Unsplash
There are plenty of reasons why we experience a rift in relationships. An important reason is the lack of real communication.
Communication in itself is complex; it happens on many levels simultaneously: There are the words you speak, enhanced by body language, intonation, silence, the emotional quality of what you are expressing, and how you hold yourself energetically while communicating.
Then there is the other person, the one who is relating to you, or so you hope. You hope for attention, compassion, being seen, and taken in without any judgment. You wish that you, as a whole, are listened to and related to with presence.
“Being safe is about being seen and heard and allowed to be who you are and to speak your truth.”
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE PRESENT FOR ANOTHER?
Imagine yourself in the following scenario: You’re in a conversation with a friend, and while she is sharing her delight about the latest painting she just finished, your phone rings. Hearing that particular ring tone, you know it’s a playgroup mum. You decide to ignore the ringing phone and continue to listen to your friend.
Contrary to what we pride ourselves to be capable of, we aren’t good at multitasking. Studies show we can’t do it effectively. We can’t be present with multitasking. So, the chances are high that you will miss out on some of the details of what your friend was sharing while you were distracted by the ringing phone, even though you did not answer it.
If you are not used to directing your mind’s attention, you probably have engaged your inner ear to thoughts related to the possible reason why the playgroup mum called just now: “I wonder what she needs,” “It would be great for the playgroup to be canceled this time”, “She really gets on my nerves” and so on.
By now, your friend has noticed that the timing of your nods is slightly off and your smile has become automatic. If she is present, she might ask whether everything is okay and you could take a moment to answer, regroup, and then continue with your conversation wholeheartedly.
Being present for someone else means to be still and not to entertain thoughts related to past events, or to anticipate what a good response would be. It means to have no plan, but to be there for the other. Fully.
Being present is having an open heart, being curious and compassionate, witnessing the other’s pain, disappointment, anger, and fear, and remaining in the now: To bear witness to someone being vulnerable, raw, and authentic.
Being present means that while you take in the other, at any given moment, you can choose to take in what is going on within yourself, what happens around you without completely losing that delicate balance of presence with the other.
At that moment, there with your friend, listening to her enthusiasm, perhaps you can drink your tea the way Thich Nhat Hanh suggests:
Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis
on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without
rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment.
Only this moment is life.