What The Neck!!

I still remember that red mental post-it sticker. My Colorpuncture teacher only mentioned it once in all the classes I attended with him and that “note-to-self” message got stuck somewhere in my brain. He said that when you are too focused on one parent, be aware of the other one. It is the hidden one that is to watch out for.

I had always put my dad on a pedestal. It’s the issues with my mum I worked through year by year. I was convinced that most of my misery, all those parts that I didn’t like about myself, were linked to my mum.

I guess some of you may have already realized that the sentence “I don’t want to become like my mum” usually backfires. Yes, sure, Dad wasn’t perfect. I had worked through that, thinking I was good. I thought I had forgiven him and moved on. Back to focus on my issues with mum.

Then, years later, Dad cropped up again.

Somehow, I got that feeling that, “Mmmh, I might not be so cool with Dad after all.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly. I appreciate and am grateful for all he taught me. Yet there was this niggling feeling worth re-examining how I feel about him. And the universe always delivers.

In a Breakthrough session here in Singapore I worked on finding a balanced view about Dad. Whilst I was writing down all his positive attributes, I suddenly came to realize that, “boy, there are a lot of traits that I actually not like about him.” That was an eye opener and helped me to gain a fuller picture of him, to reassess how I felt about him, to better integrate my lessons with him and love him for who he is.

Two weeks later I did a shamanic journey and Dad popped up again.

Lots of clearing was to be done on perceived and real hurts, in this life and in past lives, so much of which had gotten lodged in my spine. Our body remembers more than most of us would imagine. All our memories are actually stored on a cellular level, together with the related emotions.

Photo by sqofield on 123.rf

TO UNDERSTAND OURSELVES BETTER, LISTEN TO THE BODY’S STORY

Then in the next Alpha Alignment class I noticed that every time my neck got worked on, I got more and more angry. Obviously, there was nothing to be angry about as the intention of aligning the neck was for my inner energy to flow freely. Curiously I traced “anger” and asked what was going on from its point of view.

And then there was this flashback. My dad was holding my head with both hands and lifting me up into the air, so that I was dangling with my feet in the air, feeling like a stuffed duck (they don’t dangle, but I still had that image in my mind). Dad told me many times later that he found the expression on my face so hilarious, he had a good laugh then and every time he shared the story with me.

I found it not so amusing. Something in me wasn’t too happy.

I used to push that uncomfortable feeling away as being unimportant.

I felt the horror of the little child being treated like that. Helpless, hurting, totally off the safe solid ground, humiliated and confused that Dad could do something like that to her. I didn’t like it at all and I think he did that a few times until I simply got too heavy for him.

I realized that as that little girl I learned “sticking my neck out” wasn’t a safe thing to do at all. And therefore, I shied away from doing that in life, such as not speaking up, not standing up and standing out. Sticking my neck out, being seen, has always been a deep fear of mine.

Once back home after the session I allowed all that pent-up anger and disappointment I had harbored about Dad to come up and be expressed. Usually the f*** word isn’t something I like to use. Today I used it deliberately and freely .And then when my body felt I was ready for more, I started to gag and struggle for breath, eyes bulging out, my mind telling me “breathe, breathe, it is a past life, you are ok, let it all out and go through to the end.” It helps that I have instructed clients hundreds of times in a similar way in regression sessions.

I saw a body dangling. I was observing someone struggling, grasping for their last breath, body twisting. I knew my life would end soon too. I was the next to get hung. I cried out of fear, I didn’t want to die, and yet, I did.

Past lives flashed by, body memories got released. I knew I sat on someone and strangled her, violently shaking her neck until she was dead.

It is always nice to have a cushion handy for releases like that.

Victim and perpetrator. Both sides need to be experienced to have the full picture.

Once the blocked energy was released I noticed how much easier it was to breathe again deep into my lungs. It felt freeing, taking in the breath of life. I felt stronger, more in charge of my life, more assertive and courageous to stick to what I felt was right, to speak my truth, even though it might be painful. There is a sense of taking the next steps in my life without being so concerned whether others will approve of it or not. It feels empowering. Another part of me feels at peace. It’s a nice feeling.