Shed Old Identities to Find Yourself
"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it." - Marcus Aurelius
We spend so much time and energy crafting an outer facade to project an idea of who we are. This is also to protect ourselves from past hurts, live up to societal expectations, and match self-limiting beliefs.
Beneath this emotional armour lies something precious. Hidden deeply is our pure, most authentic expression of who we are.
How do we peel away the attachments to outworn identities to make space for that aspect of us that longs to be uncovered?
Imagines Self vs. Unexplored Potential
From a young age, we begin internalizing messages about who we should be. Over time, these impressions and experiences create and define our self-perception. We see ourselves and the world through eyes that we believe are ours. Childhood wounds, criticism and trauma also leave an indelible imprint on our psyche, taking root as limiting beliefs about our worth and capabilities. Out of self-protection and need to survive, we start to live these behavioural patterns. Somehow we’ve come to believe this version of “us” will be accepted, loved, and successful. These narratives became the structures and defenses on which we base our lives.
In the meantime, our natural longing to discover and explore our deepest sense of self gets buried under growing layers of pretense. We lose sight of the vast space of our untapped potential. We stop believing.
The Ebb and Flow of Identity
Our identities are not etched eternally into our being. They are malleable, shaped by our relationship to life's inevitable changes and challenges. When we encounter pain, loss, or fear, we can choose to suppress these difficult emotions. While initially it may have helped us through, these emotions harden into a rigid self-perception.
On the other hand, if we face how we feel with courage and vulnerability, profound inner shifts are possible.
Change doesn't have to be feared; it is a forward-pointing process of growth and renewal. When we integrate such transitions well, we can align more closely with our authentic expression.
"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."
- Alan Watts
The Crux of Pretending
So why are we so often disconnected from our essential selves?
Fundamentally, it is the very human desire to avoid suffering. When psychological, emotional, or physical pain arises, we instinctively seek to remove ourselves from it.
We develop various strategies to avoid discomfort and pain by suppressing, numbing, or distracting.
Paradoxically, the strategy of avoidance only intensifies our suffering over time. The unprocessed hurt and pain remain stored in our cells and beings as stress, anxiety, disconnection, and the relentless nagging of unlived lives. Yet we remain chained to a fixated ingrained identity. We are afraid that if we dismantle the identity we have inhabited we will trigger a tsunami of difficult emotions that we have worked so hard to avoid in the first place.
What are we unwilling to feel? What do we avoid facing?
The Courageous Path of Self-Discovery
Poet Mary Oliver asked, "What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?'
Most of us do not realise that we are trapped in the famous hamster wheel and are living life asleep. Until we stand at a crossroads. Will we continue along the familiar, well-trodden path? Or will we embark on the journey towards our North Star.
The first step on that journey is the most difficult - resolving to meet ourselves fully without flinching away from whatever gets uncovered. Wounded places, limiting beliefs, gripping fears, and frozen places all need to be met with compassion.
Can we feel empathy for the fragile small child that did what it could to survive or for the part that developed an armour to avoid getting hurt over and over?
What is needed? Self-forgiveness, self-nurturing and a steadfast commitment to healing.
As we peel away each mask of conditioned identity, we liberate ourselves more to create space for a deeper understanding of who we are and what we are here for. With time, we discover long-forgotten resources, such as profound courage, emerging creativity that longs for expression, or a sudden rising of deep empathy and love that we want to share with others.
Yes To Self-Work
Is consistent inward work a guarantee for a life that's continuously filled with joy and ease? Most likely not. The goal is not never to be challenged or never to experience loss. Life presents a rich spectrum of light and shadow.
Yet, we can detach from social conditioning, come to terms with our history, preserve our finite energy for what matters in life and navigate life's storms with more presence, equanimity, and resilience. We can clear the way for more love, compassion, understanding of each other, and perhaps even the experience of connecting with Source.
For this to happen, unbecoming is critical. This means a journey of deconditioning, peeling away who we are not, what is inessential, no longer helpful, and rather detrimental to our unfolding so we can unravel our personal authority and live it.
"As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around." - Oprah Winfrey
Reflection Questions:
1) What layers of identity, self-perception or limiting beliefs currently prevent you from fully embodying your essential self?
2) What fears or resistance arise when you envision shedding these confining attachments? What is needed so you can meet them with compassion?
3) If you were to live this day, this week, this life in complete alignment with your highest values and soul's callings, how might your thoughts, choices and actions shift?
4) What relationships, environments or personal practices could you nurture to sustain your journey of radical authenticity and self-actualization more fully?
"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." - Joseph Campbell