The Longing to Belong & How to Not Feel Isolated
Listen: 7-min read
Summary: Have you ever felt like you don’t belong to your family or friends? What could be the source of this ‘not belonging’? How can you not feel isolated?
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In my work with clients, we touch on belonging sooner or later.
Most feel a sense of loneliness, an emptiness, and a longing to belong.
Today, I will share my thoughts on belonging, why we long for it, and how we can fulfill this need.
Belonging…
What does it mean to you? What needs to be present in your life that you feel you belong?
How would you describe this feeling when you sense that you belong?
Let’s explore what it means to belong.
Each of us longs to belong. A sense of belonging is essential for physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
To feel that we belong to a family, a circle of friends, at work, or a group has a lot to do with how much we feel included and appreciated.
The more we feel accepted for who we are, that we matter, and what we have to contribute is valued, the more we can arrive in a group and feel we have a place.
Therefore, to create a feeling of belonging, our key relationships will have to be meaningful, to begin with. This means that these relationships create an environment of safety, trust, and support so that we feel welcome and accepted despite possible differences in viewpoints and ways of living.
It is also important to feel seen and heard.
By that, I mean that we are met with attention, empathy, and understanding and that others are curious about us, our life, and what we have to offer.
Now, most of us know the feeling of being with people and yet not feeling that we belong, that we don’t have a place in a community.
One of the reasons can be how we feel about ourselves. When we struggle with a lack of self-worth, if we feel not enough, too much, or unlovable, we unconsciously look for a confirmation of these underlying beliefs about ourselves.
The moment we feel the slightest pushback, judged or rejected, this deep sense of not being worthy of belonging gets affirmed, and we pull back or we try to do what we can to fit in. Fitting in requires us to deny parts of ourselves that are different.
It requires us to suppress who we are to find approval from others. This is exhausting because it demands to constantly be on guard whether what we say and how we conduct ourselves is in alignment with the expectations and norms of the group.
When we are not sure of ourselves, this is often expressed nonverbally in our posture or the energy we send out. We may have a shield up to prevent people from coming closer and to find out about our perceived weaknesses, or we don’t want to get judged or ridiculed.
It could also be that we aren’t communicating well about our needs and what is important to us and, therefore, feel misunderstood and not heard.
Another reason could be that we aren’t creating the relationships we need to feel that we belong.
When we live in relationships where we have to constantly prove ourselves, or we live in co-dependency or worse, experience abuse, it’s impossible to build a foundation for a sense of belonging.
It also requires us to move away from entitlement, from I, Me, and Myself to us and the whole. When we develop the mindset to contribute to the well-being of others and how we can bring in ourselves, our gifts, and talents for the benefit of the relationship, or the community, it helps to feel part of the whole.
Ultimately, it always starts with ourselves, the willingness to examine our thoughts, beliefs and fears, our expectations, and our openness to new experiences.
Let’s explore this:
As I mentioned before, our self-perception plays an essential role in how comfortable we are about ourselves and how sturdy our sense of self is.
The less we believe in ourselves, the easier it is to try to fit in, bend to be liked, and hide our authentic selves.
Here are some questions to reflect on how much you create an environment that invites a sense of belonging:
Which beliefs of yours are pointing towards not feeling worthy of belonging?
How easy is it for you to communicate your needs and desires? Remember, others might not understand what you need.
In which situations are you going to ignore your deepest truth about who you are?
How does that feel?
How easy is it for you to let people into your life?
How comfortable are you with closeness?
How easily are you judging others who are seemingly different from you?
And again, what do you require to feel you belong in your family, with friends, at work, or in your community?
What needs to change for you to have a stronger sense of belonging?
What small steps can you take today to get closer to that sense of belonging?
Understand your feelings of isolation. Book a free 30-min session to learn more about Inner Dynamics Coaching.