Befriending Your Inner Critic

There is an ever-growing need to find a way to manage that harsh inner voice of the inner critic:

Thwarting the Inner Critic, silencing the inner bully, shutting it up, going to war with it. These phrases show people's frustration about the negative impact of the inner critic.

For some, it can be a loud, constant voice, always with something to point out, whether it is how we look, dress, speak, walk, work, navigate relationships, or live life. For others, the inner critic is silently flying below the radar, managing our lives through damaging beliefs about ourselves. Living with this harsh, critical, and demoralizing voice is no fun. Worse, the inner critic can also project one's shortcomings onto others, distorting and hurting relationships.

FINDING PEACE WITH YOUR INNER CRITIC

We all have an inner voice that can sometimes be harsh and critical. This inner critic points out our flaws, doubts our abilities, and makes us feel insecure. While it aims to protect us, its constant negativity can keep us from living fulfilling lives.

"Our inner critic is like an overprotective parent who seemingly cares for us but uses criticism instead of compassion."

Learning to make peace with this inner bully is essential for well-being. But how can we transform this tense relationship into one of understanding and acceptance?

SEEKING TO SILENCE RARELY BRINGS SERENITY

Most recommendations suggest overpowering the inner critic by force.

I tried that, but it didn't work for me. Standing there with other inner critic warriors, I screamed at mine to "shut up and leave me alone.” It just left me with a hoarse voice, and not the freedom I deeply desired. Making fun of it and belittling it didn't help either. I left that workshop dissatisfied because I felt we missed the point. I knew this approach wouldn't work for me because I was replicating its shaming tactics against itself. I pushed it away, hoping it would accept defeat and do as it was told. What an illusion.

As the psychologist and philosopher Eugene Gendlin explained, "The inner critic will not go away just because you tell it to shut up or call it names. Shaming and attacking it only generates more shame and self-judgment."

CULTIVATING CURIOSITY OPENS COMMUNICATION

When I learned Focusing and later on Inner Relationship Focusing, I found what I sought.

Rather than attacking our inner critic, we can get to know it better. By listening with curiosity and patience, we may find that its criticisms, however harsh, arise from care and concern.

"Like a parent chiding their child to be careful, your inner critic's judgments come from a desire to protect you, however misguided."

SEEING THE HUMANITY IN YOUR INNER CRITIC

One of the fundamental premises in Focusing is that we accept the part as it is; we don't want it to change, which sounds counterintuitive.

Who wouldn't want to find peace with what relentlessly pushes us with judgment?

Or the part that constantly reminds us of the expectations and standards other people have for us?

Or the part that makes us feel inferior?

Ironically, the inner critic often stresses about the exact things it doesn't want us to experience. Our inner critic is afraid we are not competent enough and does not want us to try, and fail. It is protecting us from experiencing embarrassment and other feelings that failure can bring. So it creates worst-case scenarios. It doesn’t seem very logical that we would do this to ourselves. It does, however, make sense.

Learning what is going on from the inner critic’s point of view - what it doesn't wish to happen to us - is the foundation to build a trusting relationship with it. When we recognize the humanity in our inner critic, we cultivate empathy for this part of ourselves, which helps us detach from its dramatics and see its good intentions.

As Gendlin wrote, "Relating compassionately with your inner critic diffuses its power over you. No longer enthralled by its stories, you reclaim authority over your inner world."

ATTENDING TO THE CRITICIZED PARTS

My last point today is to remember that, while one part is criticizing, another part of us is being criticized and reacting to the criticism.

It might act defiantly, doing things anyway and thus resisting the controlling part. Or, it agrees with the inner critic, and we may feel shame or guilt, which means we are merged with the "victim" of the criticism. Finally, the criticized part might hide to escape the inner critic’s harsh voice. Sometimes this can be seen with binges, from watching TV to eating. Or we procrastinate by staying busy with a chore, such as cleaning the bathroom, instead of doing the presentation we’ve agreed to. It can also be losing focus, going blank, or feeling like sleeping. All these are signs that a part of us feels attacked by the inner critic. And that one needs your attention, too.

According to Cornell, "The parts we disown or hide from our inner critic have so much to offer us. Helping them speak up transforms our relationship with ourselves."

MAKING PEACE IS A JOURNEY

Befriending your inner critic takes patience but allows you to understand your rich inner landscape and live and love wholeheartedly.

"There is room for all your parts - the hopeful and the hurting, the loving and the fearful - in the home of your heart. Make space for them and your full self."

As Gendlin affirmed, "A rich inner life includes all your parts, the light and the shadow. Their harmony is a masterpiece painted over time."

How has your inner critic tried to protect you? What gifts might your criticized parts express if you listened to them more closely? Reflecting on how all your inner voices aim to care for you can start you down the path toward self-acceptance and authentic living.

Curious how to get there?

I am running Inner Relationship Focusing Courses regularly, where I teach the process and framework of Focusing. Click here for the next course dates.