Understanding Emotionally Immature Parents: Signs and Solutions

I love my parents deeply.

My childhood memories are a mixed bag though. Given their traumatic experiences of WWII and a childhood based on loss, lack, uncertainty and hardship, they did their best.

Growing up, I frequently had a feeling that something was lacking. I felt not seen, not heard, and certainly not understood. I felt unseen, unheard, and certainly misunderstood.

My mother loved me, no question, and indeed there must have been hugs and cuddles when I was little before she started to struggle with her issues. For some reason, I only have one distinctive memory and I remember that day very clearly. I must have been around thirteen years old. When I felt the soothing and conscious touch of my mother, it was as if everything inside me held its breath and went still. Then a question arose. “What just happened here?”

There was a barrier when it came to expressing emotions, hugging, and being close to each other. I often wondered what made it difficult for my parents to agree to disagree or to consider another person’s point of view. They also could not acknowledge me when I talked about having difficulties growing up with them.

Many therapy sessions later, I have forgiven them. I have come to accept that they couldn't get out of their skin. Like so many people, they were trapped in their beliefs and trauma responses and they did the best they could.

My relationship with my parents helped me see where I myself fell short as a parent. This allowed me to become a better parent, which is a journey that lasts a lifetime.

THE SIGNS OF EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS

The general understanding is that emotionally immature parents, or EI Parents, haven't fully developed the necessary emotional skills to navigate parenthood effectively. They tend to provide consistently for their children on a material level; however, when it comes to meeting the emotional needs of their children, they struggle or, worse, lack awareness. They may be overly self-centred, lack empathy to understand their children's feelings, and find it challenging to manage their emotions.

The effects of emotionally immature parenting can manifest in various ways, including low self-esteem, difficulty forming healthy relationships, and emotional instability.

Recognizing the signs of emotionally immature parents is crucial in understanding the dynamics at play.

THE FOUR TYPES OF EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS

Most likely, EI parents grew up with one or two emotionally immature parents themselves.

The emotionally unavailable parent

These parents often struggle with connecting emotionally with their children due to various reasons such as personal issues, work demands, or unresolved traumas from their own past. It's important to highlight that, more often than not, being unavailable isn't intentional; they likely struggle with expressing their emotions and feelings.

The micromanaging parent

Believing they know what is best for their children, the micromanaging parent makes the decisions. This robs children of the opportunity to make decisions and mistakes and learn from those mistakes. Strict rules and demanding expectations undermine the child's sense of autonomy and stifle the vital capacity to trust their own judgement and abilities.

The narcissistic parent

Narcissistic parents tend to view their children as extensions of themselves. They see them as a source of validation, and because the main focus is on fulfilling the parent's needs, the child's emotional needs often remain unfulfilled. It becomes even more complicated when they consider the child's success or achievements as threats to their sense of self.

The enmeshed parent

Enmeshment refers to a blurred line between the parent's and the child's identity. An enmeshed parent can be overly involved in their child's life or consider the child as emotional support for their personal struggles. You would hear something like, "Mum always considered me her best friend" or "My father often came to me to complain about Mum".

IDENTIFYING THE RED FLAGS OF EI PARENTS

Lack of empathy

While emotionally immature parents are very capable of emotional outbursts to release internal pressure, they find it difficult to put themselves in the child's shoes. Understanding what is going on from another person's perspective and how the child must feel is challenging for them. They also find it hard to open up, and share how vulnerable they feel, so it's no wonder this gap prevents the creation of deep, tender and trusting relationships.

Inconsistent or unpredictable behaviour patterns

Dealing with parental mood swings often leaves children confused, unsettled, and insecure. Children never really know what to expect; they lack a sense of stability because what was ok one day is not ok the next. They feel loved and accepted one day and get shamed and pushed away the next. Likewise, it's a guessing game to anticipate the parents' response. Will they lose their cool for something trivial and then dismiss an important incident? This profoundly impacts the child. The inconsistency and unpredictability can make children feel on edge and challenge the development of a stable sense of self.

Difficulties in taking responsibility

Most of us find it challenging to admit mistakes and to apologise. EI Parents tend to struggle to take responsibility for things they did wrong or acknowledge their behaviour's impact on their children. They often deflect blame or find excuses. As this is modelled, it is not surprising for the children to adopt the role of a victim. This makes it hard for children not to take responsibility.

Having unclear boundaries

In regression sessions, clients often share how heavy they felt when mum or dad shared their own burdens with them. It felt too much; they struggled because they felt the need to lift that burden - they tried and failed. Imagine the stress for the little one.. Another sign of lacking boundaries is the constant need to know everything in the child's life.

You may have experienced it when one of your parents went through your personal belongings, read your diary, or listened in on a conversation you had with your best friend.This often continues, even when the "little one" is already in their 40s. Then they become upset when suddenly nothing gets shared with them anymore.

My way or the highway

As Rumi so aptly wrote in his poem about children:

"You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts."

Emotionally immature parents may struggle to acknowledge and respect their child's thoughts, feelings, and choices. They may dismiss or invalidate their child's perspectives, impose their own beliefs and desires onto them, or fail to recognize their child as a separate individual with their own autonomy.

IMPACT OF EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS

The impact of emotionally immature parents on their children can be significant and wide-ranging. Here are some common effects and challenges that children may experience:

Emotional dysregulation
People-pleasing tendencies
Fear of abandonment and rejection
Difficulty setting boundaries
Perfectionism and high self-criticism
Codependency
Anxiety and depression
Difficulties in trusting others
Need for external validation
Perceived lack of support
Struggles with self-identity
Difficulty with conflict resolution

NAVIGATING EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS

Growing up with emotionally immature parents leaves scars on the minds and hearts of children. While the parent's behaviour may have been frustrating or hurtful, it is crucial to remember that they too have experienced their own struggles and limitations. By trying to understand their perspective, we open up the possibility of creating an environment where growth and healing can occur.

Most importantly, take responsibility for your healing journey:

Acknowledge and validate your experience and the impact it had on your upbringing. Explore how you can safely express your uncomfortable feelings. Learn how to be present with these feelings and acknowledge them without judgement. It's essential to get out of the victim role to proactively look at what has to change for you to feel better.

**Identify triggers**

Begin to reflect on your experiences growing up with emotionally immature parents. Pay attention to situations or behaviours that tend to provoke your reactions. It doesn’t necessarily only involve parents; other people’s behaviour or comments can be a potential trigger. Identifying and understanding your triggers can help you anticipate and prepare for potential escalation.

Photo by Tabitha Turner on Unsplash

Practice Self-Awareness

Identifying triggers is part of practising self-awareness. Introspection allows you to identify specific instances where you felt hurt or neglected due to your parent's emotional immaturity. By exploring these memories, you can better understand how your upbringing has shaped your emotional responses and patterns of behaviour and how it undermines your self-worth, confidence, and sense of self.

Developing self-awareness helps to realize how your beliefs and behaviours impact your ability to make independent decisions and what is needed for you to be comfortable standing up for your needs.

Find yourself

Individuals raised by EI parents may face challenges in forming a strong self-identity. Your parents' lack of emotional attunement can leave you feeling unsure about who you truly are and what you want out of life. You may constantly adapt to other people's expectations without a clear sense of your needs and wants. Starting on a journey of self-discovery is critical to understand your values, passions, strengths, and weaknesses outside of the influence of your parents.

Reframing negative beliefs

As a result of your upbringing, you may develop various limiting beliefs, such as

"I must please others to be accepted."
"I am not worthy of love or attention".
"I am responsible for other people's emotions."
"I am alone and can't rely on others."
"I can't do it right."
"There must be something inherently wrong with me."
"I can't have any needs."

Such limiting beliefs can profoundly affect one's psyche, self-image, and how you see others. As a consequence, they can deeply impact your relationships.

One strategy could be to objectively examine the validity of such beliefs. Ask yourself questions like "Is this belief based on facts?", "Whose belief is that really?" or "What evidence do I have to support this belief?" By challenging these thoughts with rationality and logic, you can begin to break free from their hold on your self-perception.

My favourite approach is Inner Relationship Focusing. Learning to create compassionate and non-judgmental relationships with those parts of yourself that received little attention and acknowledgement from one's parents is a significant step toward clarity, independence, and self-acceptance.

**YOU ARE WORTHY**

Please recognize that the negative beliefs instilled by your parents are not a reflection of your worth but rather a result of their emotional immaturity.
Remember that you deserve love, happiness, and fulfilment and focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities.

Photo by Mauro Lima on Unsplash

Create healthy boundaries

Setting boundaries with an emotionally immature parent involves clearly communicating your needs and limits. Being familiar with non-violent communication can be helpful. Reflect on your values. Use an assertive yet compassionate communication style when setting boundaries. Be specific in explaining how your parent's behaviour and actions affect you and what you can and can't tolerate any longer. Be patient with your parents; they aren't used to you standing up for yourself. Be consistent and firm in asserting your boundaries. Be respectful and transparent and avoid blaming or being defensive and judgmental.

You may find this article from Modern Intimacy helpful in your process: A Gentle Message to Emotionally Immature Parents

Seek help

It can be a challenging journey from the moment you realize that what you are dealing with in your life is a consequence of being raised by EI Parents. Reach out to supportive friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide guidance and understanding during this process. Working with a counsellor or therapist offers a safe space to explore the intense feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt that come from the lack of being seen and heard. Hopefully, you will also learn tools to self-soothe, become more resilient, and be confident to self-direct your life.

In my practice, Inner Child integration, Regression Therapy, Nutripuncture, and Inner Relationship Focusing have effectively helped clients to navigate such relationships and heal from those mental and emotional scars.

CONCLUSION

Dealing with emotionally immature parents can have a long-lasting impact on the children. This includes struggling with a lack of self-worth, experiencing difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships, and not having clarity about themselves and healthy goals in life.

Understanding the different types of emotionally immature parents can also help you better comprehend the parents’ motivations and behaviours.

Healing from childhood wounds as a result of having emotionally immature parents requires intentional effort, patience, empathy, and emotional maturity. Actively working towards personal growth and self-compassion involves recognizing past trauma, practising self-awareness and self-reflection, and seeking therapy or counselling if necessary.

You are worth living a more balanced and fulfilling life.

What are you waiting for?

If you are tired of living with anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and wish to explore what else is possible for you and how I can help you get into a better place, book your free consultation here.