The Choice Between Two Wolves: How to Respond Mindfully to Life's Challenges
Life is filled with challenges. We regularly face situations that evoke uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, or fear. How we respond to these feelings determines our actions and profoundly shapes our lives.
As the old Cherokee tale tells us, a battle exists inside each of us between two wolves - one representing light emotions like joy, generosity, truth, and peace, while the other embodies darker feelings like resentment, anger, envy, and jealousy. Habitually, we react to the wolf that snarls the loudest. What if we pause instead and ask which wolf we want to feed?
This simple question holds the key to taking control of our responses. We always have a choice - even if we don't realize it. We can follow our knee-jerk reactions wherever they lead. Or we can pause, reflect mindfully, and respond in a way that is aligned with our values. Our path forward depends on which wolf we nourish.
There is another ending to this story, which is very much aligned with my work in Inner Relationship Focusing. This is not ignoring or denying the existence of one wolf and instead attending to both. Both wolves have their reasons to be here, and the more we turn with curiosity towards whichever one is here at this moment, the easier it will be to cultivate inner harmony.
So, how do we feed the wolves to get there?
Photo by Anthony Sebbo on Unsplash
EXAMINING EMOTIONS
The first step is turning towards our difficult emotions with curiosity and non-judgment. When we feel upset, it's natural to want to suppress those feelings or lash out in the heat of the moment. Avoiding or overindulging our emotions, however, rarely leads anywhere positive. Below is an example of how you might respond in a "Focusing Way":
Imagine you ended up in a heated argument with your loved one. You are furious about something hurtful they said. The "dark wolf" of anger may urge you to respond with mean words, "tit for tat," or give them the silent treatment. Take a breath. Acknowledge that furious part within, and sense what is going on. What is actually making you feel angry?
This simple act of acknowledging your emotions allows you to detach enough to regain some composure; it may even help defuse some of their intensity.
Once you understand what is underneath your anger, you can choose how to express it healthily or let it go. In either case, you will learn something about yourself, your triggers, and patterns of response.
FEEDING BOTH WOLVES
Those who have followed me for a while know what I think about toxic positivity.
Underestimating the influence of the dark wolf on our thoughts prevents us from recognizing its impact on our behaviour, viewpoints, and actions. The path to inner peace involves attending to its needs and concerns. Once we understand those, it is easier to get a sense of its wants and needs, which ultimately connects us with the light wolf.
By listening to both, we create a more and more balanced ecosystem in our inner landscape where they can co-exist and offer us valuable insights and a sense of direction.
In the example above, you may realize you don't want to retaliate and push your loved one away because of your own hurt. Instead, you now look for a way to resolve the conflict through honest and heartfelt communication.
LIVING MINDFULLY
“It is only when the mind is open and receptive that learning and seeing and change can occur.”
Making space between stimulus and response is critical to mindful living. Pausing before reacting lets you tap into inner wisdom to guide your choices. Start by paying close attention to your moment-to-moment sensory experience. Notice your breathing and bodily sensations. Observe thoughts and emotions without judgment. This grounds you in the present moment, which helps to interrupt your habitual reactions.
With practice, you can insert mindful pauses into daily life. Some examples:
After a phone conversation, take three slow, mindful breaths before continuing with your tasks. Observe how this shifts your state of mind and being.
Make it a habit to take a few mindful steps whenever you walk, at the bus stop, to the grocer, or on your morning walk.These two or three steps will help you slow down and be more present again.
When you feel triggered in a conversation, pause, excuse yourself for a few minutes, and spend that time noticing your internal sensations. Sense inwardly for what is going on. What part is being triggered and what is its needs? Acknowledge its feelings. You may let it know that you will return to it to understand better before you end.
Sometimes, things get so intense that we merge with the dark wolf. Use the five senses technique before responding rashly to a situation. Identify and name five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This technique helps you shift your focus back to the present moment and thus grounds you in the body, reducing stress.
Activating mindfulness in this way builds the muscle of inner awareness. Over time, conscious responding becomes more natural. Pausing patiently to examine our inner landscape cultivates self-knowledge that guides us to a stronger sense of rightness.
Photo by Jesse Bowser on Unsplash
PRACTICING EMPATHY
Treating ourselves with kindness opens the heart to receive our experiences with equanimity. When we choose this human experience, we embrace that being human means having emotions and feelings. Remember, everyone has two wolves within.
Practicing empathy and self-acceptance helps us be kinder with our flaws and challenges and those of others.
Empathy shows us a gentler path forward as we step out of our comfort zone into the unknown. Self-criticism would make us berate ourselves for every misstep along the way. This deepens self-doubt and makes the journey more challenging and tortuous than it actually is. When we lack the resources to succeed, practising empathy helps us not see this as a failure but as part of a messy process of discovering our potential.
REFRAMING SITUATIONS
How we perceive situations may not have much to do with reality. However, our perception informs our reactions. Each seeming setback becomes an opportunity to uncover hidden inner strengths. As we wander into uncharted territory, our stumbles and detours become teachers on the way.
You might want to use the following reflections to gain new insights into your challenges:
- How can I learn and grow from this?
- What is one positive thing about this situation?
- What advice would I give someone I love in this exact circumstance?
- How will this matter in five years?
Every situation, no matter how uncomfortable, carries seeds for potential growth. Reframing a crisis as an opportunity for learning helps us become wiser, more resilient, and more flexible. This allows feeding the white wolf to become a supportive resource and ally.
EMBRACING CHANGE
Significant life changes like a new job, moving, or ending a relationship are potent times for the dark wolf to show up with judgment, resentment, and fears of the unknown. While we worry about risks and missed opportunities, we can also look forward to experiencing this new chapter in our life. It may be a possible adventure and a chance to widen our horizons. How can we smoothly navigate such transitions?
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
Again, self-awareness and self-care are key. Take your time to process the complex emotions we feel about a change. Let any fears, doubts, or sadness emerge while also allow enthusiasm and courage to find their place. Reflect on what this transition means for your identity and purpose. Each change offers a chance to reinvent and refine ourselves.
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
The wolves that reside within us all reflect the continual human struggle between light and shadow. Consciously turning towards our shadow parts enables us to remove roadblocks, build bridges, and discover hidden gems in our inner landscape. This creates access to inner guidance that helps us gracefully navigate life's ups and downs. Equally, mindful living invites us to enjoy and treasure moments of beauty, grace, generosity, and contentment. It also opens us up to receiving kind gestures, loving words, or sharing from our hearts.
Everything exists for a reason. Consciously feeding your wolves may be challenging initially, but it will expand self-knowledge and build resilience and empathy. There doesn't have to be a raging battle within.
Pause, become curious, and offer a gentle “Hello” to whatever shows up.