The Expectation Effect: Thinking versus Feeling
We have an internal compass guiding us through life's changes and transitions. This compass is fuelled by our expectations of ourselves, others, and how things should turn out. We have these beliefs about how we would encounter an event. Maybe it is a move, the loss of a job, or divorce. We probably have ideas about how long it should take to process grief and to bounce back from adversity. The pathway seems clear in our minds.
Yet, when faced with significant life changes, we often find our reactions and timelines veering far off-course from these expectations.
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There can be an unexpected gap between how we THINK we should feel and respond and how we ACTUALLY process significant life changes emotionally over time.
Take for example someone who is getting divorced. This is not simply signing papers and getting on with life. There is a journey getting to the point of divorce, which may be time for that person to process that the marriage is over. Then there is the legal process. The finality of these proceedings can bring tremendous relief and perhaps a sense of a “fresh start.” However, it is not surprising that this person may feel blindsided by a feeling of guilt and deep grief afterwards.
Another example we see often is a retiree who struggles with purpose. They can also experience a sense of lost identity, from not realizing how much of who they see themselves as is tied to their work.
"By now you should be done with grieving," well-meaning friends might say. "Just look forward." Our internal compass loses its North when the gap between expectation and reality grows too large. Suddenly, we're not where we or others expected us to be.
So do we lower our expectations? Do some actually hold us back? How do we know which ones?
Let's explore how expectations intersect with our ability to flow through change and find satisfaction.
THE DUAL NATURE OF EXPECTATIONS
Expectations contain an inherent duality. On one hand, they are an extension of our vision and give us something to strive for. A musician is challenged to master a complex piano piece. They envision accomplishing this through diligent practices. This expectation pulls them forward to something they desire. This is an example of expectations having a positive impact.
However, unmet expectations can crack the compass needle in damaging ways. Examples may be expecting a promotion within a specific timeframe, only to be passed over repeatedly. Or the vision of running a nonprofit clashes with the gritty reality of securing donors and managing staff.
When expectations do not align with outer conditions and inner emotional landscapes, a person may feel confused and conflicted in some way. Self-judgment that often accompanies these feelings further obscures the path, leaving us rather rudderless.
NAVIGATING CHANGE THROUGH SELF-UNDERSTANDING
Instead of harshly judging ourselves for failing to fulfil expectations, we can use them as a doorway into self-understanding. Some self-enquiries may be - where did this expectation come from, what does it actually point to, are they flexible enough to allow for emotional ebb and flow?
We are often quicker to offer understanding to others going through considerable change in life. Do we also extend that same compassion to ourselves? Emotions can surge and retreat like ocean tides for some time after a significant transition.
Despite the best preparation and inner work, we can still be surprised by long-forgotten memories that often resurface, leading us to question our decisions. The facets of change often reveal themselves slowly over time as the kaleidoscope turns. This means that the continuous adjustment and adaptation over an unknown time period is necessary.
This is why it’s essential to allow your inner compass to flutter, spin, and settle into a new equilibrium.
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ACTION STEPS FOR ADJUSTING EXPECTATIONS:
1. Notice any self-judgment and be kind to yourself: When expectations clash with reality, our first reaction is often self-blame. Counter this by speaking gently to yourself, as you would a friend in turmoil. Find the lesson rather than the lack.
2. Examine the roots: Ask yourself thoughtful questions to reveal the source of an expectation rather than just being disappointed with yourself about not meeting your standards.
Does this expectation represent a childhood dream or a perceived societal milestone? Am I trying to act as others expect me to? How might this impact how I judge my progress?
3. Zoom out for perspective: When immersed in change, it's easy to fixate on what's directly in front of us. Zoom out to consider different vantage points, timeframes, and narratives. Are there positive changes occurring that I am overlooking? Am I comparing my Chapter Three to someone else's Chapter Fifteen? Reframing our expectations can profoundly shift our inner experience.
As novelist Laurel Lee poetically wrote, "The compass will point you true North. But true North will shift." Allowing our inner compass to shift without judgment enables us to flow with the unpredictable nature of change itself.
We realign, recentering in time with the truth that our soul's path is continually unfolding before us.
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”