The Tug-of-War Within: Navigating Inner Contradictions
At one point or another, we have all found ourselves caught in an emotional tug-of-war, torn between conflicting feelings.
Perhaps we've experienced the confusion of loving someone deeply and harbouring strong resentment towards them simultaneously. Or we felt a surge of excitement about a new work opportunity, only to be paralyzed by anxiety later when things got more real. This is the complex world of ambivalent emotions – a phenomenon of our inner landscape.
Recall a recent situation where you experienced conflicting emotions. How did these mixed feelings affect your thoughts and actions?
Making Space for Multitudes
Ambivalence, derived from the Latin words "ambi" (both) and "valentia" (strength), refers to the simultaneous existence of opposing feelings or attitudes towards a person, object, or idea and our capacity to hold that inner tension. As complex beings, we experience emotional ambivalence, especially in challenging situations. It reflects the intricate tapestry of human emotions, that vast expanse between opposites, where joy and sorrow, love and hate, and confidence and doubt can coexist in a single moment.
Walt Whitman, an American poet, once wrote:
"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.”
He invites us to accept that our feelings aren't always straightforward and that they can be complex and contradictory, mirroring the multi-faceted nature of life.
Life isn't always black or white; most often, it's a mix of greys, where conflicting feelings blur and mix.
1. In what areas of your life do you experience the strongest emotional ambivalence?
2. How does emotional ambivalence impact your life and your relationships?
Love, Hate, and Everything in Between
Who hasn't experienced various degrees of an emotional rollercoaster?
Ambivalence can permeate any aspect of our lives, be it relationships, work, or home.
Having conflicting emotions is a natural part of moving through an experience, especially new ones. We can see this, for example, for new mothers. Mothers generally have an instant deep love for their newborns. What happens when the daily tasks, the reality of caring for someone entirely dependent on you? Often, mothers struggle with a lack of sleep, changing hormones, and new routines.
Some may not have help or maternity leave and need to return to work, balancing both. Overwhelm can easily set in. Soon, to a mother’s surprise, her joy can get invaded by a range of unexpected emotions, such as resentment, impatience, anger, and even hatred.
Guilt can then add another potent layer to the experience of ambivalent emotions.
A client of mine, a successful marketing executive with 15 years of experience and an impressive track record, is excited to speak at a conference. However, he continues to experience anxiety and self-doubt when speaking at conferences. Rationally, he knows he is more than qualified; yet emotionally, he feels like a fraud who will be exposed at any moment.
How do you typically respond when faced with conflicting emotions?
Unravelling the Emotional Knot
To better understand conflicting emotions, it's essential to recognize that there is a myriad of factors that shape our feelings. These include past experiences, family history, cultural conditioning, and personal values. Emerging research suggests that biological predispositions, such as the level of neurotransmitters, also influence how we process emotions and, therefore, interact with our experiences and environment. In addition, our emotional responses often precede and then influence the processes in our mind - the inner struggle between the heart and the mind.
Another area of inner ambivalence is our innate desire for consistency versus the vital need for growth and change. Although we are creatures of habit, we are also driven by curiosity and thirst for new experiences. This fundamental contradiction sets the stage for much ambivalence in many areas of life.
What patterns can you observe in the situations that tend to evoke ambivalent feelings for you?
How might your past experiences be influencing your current emotional responses?
Navigating the See-Saw of Ambivalence
Embrace Complexity
The first step in navigating ambivalence is accepting its existence. As poet Walt Whitman so eloquently put it, we express many feelings and emotions. Perhaps we can recognize that having mixed feelings doesn't make anyone indecisive or weak; it makes us human.
Practice Emotional Awareness
Being mindful and open to observing our emotions without judgment is another step to becoming resilient with both sides of the emotional experience. Noticing and naming what we feel can help us become more aware of what we are actually feeling.
Establishing an inner relationship
Inner Relationship Focusing takes emotional awareness to another level. When we create an inner environment of curiosity and acceptance, we can start building lasting relationships with those inner parts that feel conflicted about a situation in life. Change happens naturally if we are patient enough and willing to give them the time they need to share their worries and needs.
Seek Balance, Not Resolution
Instead of trying to eliminate one side of your ambivalence, aim for a balanced perspective. How can you honor both aspects of your emotional experience?
View your mixed feelings as an invitation for self-reflection and growth. What can your ambivalence teach you about your values, fears, and desires?
Which of the above invitations feels most approachable to you right now?
How might embracing your ambivalent feelings lead to personal growth?
The Silver Lining
Ambivalent emotions can be challenging; they do have their value. Ambivalence, for example, can signify emotional maturity, indicating an ability to see multiple perspectives and appreciate life's complexities. It can lead to more nuanced decision-making and deeper self-understanding.
As we learn to stay present with our contradictions, we open ourselves to a richer, more authentic way of being. We cultivate emotional resilience and wisdom by acknowledging and working with our ambivalent feelings.
How has this exploration of ambivalent emotions shifted your perspective on your mixed feelings?
What's one small step you can take today to honor the complexity of your emotional life?
Remember, it's not about achieving perfect emotional harmony but about finding acceptance of the beautiful mess of human experience. As we continue our journey of self-discovery, may we find strength in our complexity and growth in our contradictions.