How to Build a relationship with your inner critic
Imagine living together with a friend or partner who constantly criticizes you for not looking beautiful or for being sloppy, stupid, and even unlovable?. Would you want to stay living together?
Probably not. You’ll most likely do your best to avoid them as well.
What if that voice were you? Most of us have an inner critic as our constant companion. Worse, we often aren't even aware of this subtle yet deeply damaging voice. What we hear can make us feel inadequate, unworthy of love and happiness, flawed, good for nothing, ashamed, and unappreciated.
We are our harshest critics and often the most difficult person to please.
Unfortunately, we aren't only treating ourselves this way; we can be the same with those around us. We only have eyes for their shortcomings and faults and fail to see and acknowledge their qualities.
As strange as it sounds, the primary task of the critical inner voice is to keep us safe and ensure our survival. It may be challenging to understand how such a harsh, unforgiving, and relentless part of us that can cause so much inner pain cares for us.
The Inner Critic - Your Protector
The more time I spent with my inner critic, the more I understood that all this pushing, shaming, and belittling was all it knew.
Making me feel uncomfortable, it hoped to either keep me safely where I was or push me to do more so I would escape punishment and external judgment.
Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash
The inner critic observes diligently what kind of behaviors gain approval and which situations result in scolding, withholding of love, rejection, and even punishment. For a small child, surviving is crucial, so the primary guiding system is what keeps her safe and alive. Behaviors such as pleasing others, not expressing one's needs, and adopting other people’s standards and expectations as one's own are the foundation of a future inner critic.
When I ask clients to question the should's, have to's, must's, and need to's and hear whose voice it is, I often get blank stares. These beliefs are so ingrained and internalized that we don't even question whether these beliefs are our own and whether they are still relevant to us. This negative inner dialogue develops from a very young age. Before we are conscious of it, we are already internalizing and reflecting the expectations, judgments, and standards of our parents, caregivers, significant family members, friends, society, and life experiences.
My father grew up very independent; asking for help or favor was a nightmare for him. However, he never explicitly taught me not to ask for help; I absorbed this attitude through observation and non-verbal communication.
I too became fiercely independent and I too found it extremely difficult to ask others for help. When I did, my inner critic gave me an ear full about how weak I was, and how shameful it was to ask for help. It told me that asking for help would make me dependent on others and it would show that I lacked the skills and intelligence to do it myself. What would other people think? They would know that I was not good enough. So instead, I would rather collapse in my own exhaustion, stress, and misery than let others know I needed help. It wasn't a very healthy nor kind attitude.
The desire for protection can become a hindrance that is debilitating as we grow older. Our limiting core beliefs create the inner map we live by and define our views about success and failure, the way we see ourselves, others, and the world. Listening to this restrictive and pessimistic voice leads to self-depreciation, lack of self-esteem, and self-defeating behaviors. It also results in a negative view of others and the world.
Until we start questioning their relevance, these beliefs continue to determine who we are, what we are capable of, what is appropriate, and so on.
The inner critic is a vast and penetrating topic. I will share more in other articles. For now, I would like to share a few steps of how to create a relationship with the inner critic. These first steps will help show your inner critic that you are taking its concerns and worries seriously.
Three tips for building a relationship with the Inner Critic
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1. Become aware of it
We all know this inner judge and its messages to varying degrees. However most of us are just scratching the surface, the tip of the iceberg. Therefore, it is helpful to inquire what influences and situations in our lives could cause the self-deprecating beliefs and thoughts we believe about ourselves.
Let's take a moment and examine who had a similar point of view about you or themselves in your family or close circle when you were little.
Become aware of your inner dialogue when you feel low, sad, irritated, or stressed. Take a pause several times a day and write down in a journal the quality of self-talk you engage in.
2. Dedicate some time to hang out with your Inner Critic and become curious about what's going on for it? What are its concerns and worries? What is its greatest fear?
3. Accept it as a valuable part of yourself
Remember that the inner critic's most important task is to keep you safe, and it will do everything in its power to fulfill that task.
It doesn't trust that you can do a better job. So start listening to it, sincerely acknowledge its effort in protecting you, and make it feel valued. Take its concerns seriously and thank it for all it does. Over time, you will realize that you have grown and have acquired skills and qualities that help you stay safe and relaxed.
Check back for the article about the different types of inner criticism and other exercises to help with this internal judgment.