Hello – Yes, It’s Me, Your Inner Child
“It's comfortable and warm here. I am impressed by the size of this float tank. It would be the perfect place to hang out for nine months if it weren’t for that confusing feeling of loneliness and disconnection I am experiencing. Not perfect after all. Am wondering what is going on with Mum? Let me tune in a bit: not accepted by in-laws, my dad traveling a lot, resentment for being bound to the house now, struggling with morning sickness (sorry mum), oh and then there is my sister who is sick a lot. Mmmh seems like Mum is unhappy about my entry here - I feel sad, lonely and unwanted.”
That is just one impression of an unborn child that will quite likely impact the way the little one will feel growing up. Each of us is unique in our DNA, ancestry, history, the experiences we face and yet, there are certain similarities in the themes we may struggle with. A lack of self-worth, feeling unloved, having to prove ourselves, not being good enough, the feeling that the world is not a safe place, a sense of lack, not belonging … the list is long.
From a soul's perspective, these are welcomed invitations for growth and evolution. We tend to shut off the part that hurts and bury it deep within, so we don’t have to deal with these painful feelings of inadequacy, separation and being unloved.
“I wonder what I have done wrong. I am trying to be a good girl so that mummy and daddy won't be mad at me. I am behaving well, doing the best I can to meet their expectations. Mummy seems to be sad all the time; I want to help, make her happy, maybe it's because of me that she is unhappy? I wonder what I have done wrong? Dad is hardly around, and when he is at home, he doesn't speak much. Sometimes he gets mad at me when I don't perform up to his standards - it's scary. I feel tiny and powerless. I feel sad, lonely and unwanted.”
Many people genuinely experienced a happy childhood. They feel supported by their parents and caregivers and they develop a healthy sense of who they are and of their abilities. They know that they are loved for who they are. I usually don't see these people in my practice too often for obvious reasons. Then there are those who initially would insist on having had no troubles as a child. "I can't remember any problems in my childhood."
Now I know that these sessions, in general, tend to turn out to be revealing and insightful for the client because the Inner Child finally steps out of the shadow and seeks to heal.
The majority of my clients struggle with current life situations, self-doubt, inability to stand up for themselves, low self-confidence, depression, relationship issues, addictions and physical pains, to mention but a few.
“I am excited. Mum told me that I could help her bake a cake for grandma’s birthday. It's the best birthday cake ever - different layers filled with cream, cherries, and chocolate. We are in the kitchen, busily weighing the ingredients. Mum allows me to make the dough; it is heavy because of the grated chocolate. I am working hard. My muscles get tired; I use the strength of my body to keep stirring it. And then it happens. One jerky movement, the bowl slides off the counter and crashes onto the floor. I am frozen, horrified, ‘Oh no, no special birthday cake for grandma!’ The next thing I hear is my mum's angry voice, ‘You can't even do the simplest thing. Get out of the kitchen.’ I am useless. I am tiny and powerless. I feel sad, lonely and I am unwanted.”
Over the years events in our life compound the beliefs we created from a very young age onwards. These loops play in our head and inform the choices we make in life, the conversations we have and the way we bring up our children. At one point, we may start noticing that specific people, comments or situations trigger strong emotional responses. We may feel useless, small and powerless, lonely, unwanted or unloved as a result.
Often, we long for connection and all we manage instead is pushing everyone around us away. As beings with a strong need to feel connected, being cut off and feeling different can lead to addictions, depression and an even stronger sense of loneliness and alienation.
We crave love, yet we are unable to accept it when it is given to us.
As parents, it may be even more challenging. We want to love our children; we wish to provide them with the love that we so needed ourselves. We often fail, feeling drained and defeated, blaming ourselves for not being a good parent, not being good enough.
As adults, looking at life from a different perspective, it is easy for us to find excuses and reasons to be okay with the way our parents were. Haven’t we felt the challenges of bringing up children, or being with a partner who pushes our buttons?
What we most often fail to see is that although as adults we have a better understanding as to why things happened the way they did, the Inner Child is still hurting. She is a living part of us, tucked away in the subconscious, keeping us stuck in unhelpful thought patterns and behaviours befitting a six-year-old but not a sixty-year-old, along with overly strong emotions, addictions, distractions and projections.
It is time to search for the Inner Child who felt a similar emotion or feeling. The little boy or girl who needed to be listened to, acknowledged, soothed and loved. That part of us that has been locked away, so that we don't have to feel the pain, loneliness, shame or guilt, the emptiness, and the fear of rejection.
After we are in touch with the Inner Child, we first need to recognize and acknowledge her presence and what she went through. Being present with a wounded Inner Child requires patience, curiosity, compassion and acceptance for wherever she is at this moment. Further into the process, the Inner Child is introduced to inner resources, which she can use to create a new, empowering narrative.
In this narrative, the little one experiences a different outcome due to the newly applied qualities and resources she just reconnected with. Integrating the Inner Child brings us closer to wholeness and inner peace. This work invites us to map out a different path for our life courageously.
“Adults are just outdated children.”
Sometimes in my sessions, clients are invited to bring back and integrate an Inner Child who is fun-loving, playful, carefree and bubbly. Some of us learned at one point growing up that being playful or carefree isn’t something that is appreciated by others around us. We put this quality in a box labeled “Not OK”; or the wounded parts of us simply take over and cover that playful part under a layer of hurt and pain.
Perhaps you can remember what it felt like when you reconnected at times with those wonderful child-like qualities, such as the ability to sit in wonder in front of a flower and get lost in its beauty, watch butterflies dancing in the air and feel their wings touch a part within yourself, be in the moment without a thought about the past or the future, roll down a grassy hill, giggle and laugh until your belly hurts, or be silly and not care?What happened within yourself? What did it feel like being child-like again? Did you feel restricted or free? Tired or alive?
“I see you. I love you. You are an essential part of me. Please come back into my heart so we can walk this Earth together.”
“I am strong. I am powerful. I am worth being loved. I am loved. I Walk With You.”