Why Do You Get Pissed Off?
What’s the easiest way to make something unseen? We hide it away.
That may be the pile of dirty laundry we stuff back into the closet just before friends come over. Or the jar of Nutella we chuck into a drawer before our partner comes home. We hide our dark circles with concealer. We wear clothes that lengthen and hide that bulge. We say “I’m okay” when we are not. We tell people we are fine when we feel lousy and could use a hug.
Laziness, incompetence, tardiness, failures - these we disown because we have learned people do not understand, let alone accept. We don’t even want to be associated with these characteristics.
Hiding what we feel is inferior or unacceptable about us becomes second nature. And it starts much earlier than we think.
Our laundry list of “being bad” is now safely tucked away in the subconscious. Keeping them company are all the related emotions such as shame, anger and guilt. Done! We clean our hands of them and we think we have dealt with it. Out of sight, out of mind. This should work, right? It may work for a while, but then one fine day, mid-conversation, something gets triggered and out of nowhere comes a full-blown emotional response.
What caused such a reaction? And why then?
For years my trigger was my daughter’s room, which could turn from a neat and tidy welcoming place into a war zone within a day. Stepping into her room, I would lose my cool. Within seconds, my mood would change from a caring loving mother to this fuming, ranting mad person. Surely, a real treat for drama lovers.
After reading Debbie Ford’s “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers,” I finally understood what caused my metamorphosis when entering my daughter’s kingdom. As a child, I learned that I was messy if I wouldn’t tidy up. Being messy was not okay with my parents, and I strived to be a good girl! Every time I left something lying around, I had this voice in my head: “You are so messy.”
I didn’t want to admit that I too had this messy part within me that made itself known as piles of books all over the house. I consistently pushed that feeling of guilt and shame away. It only took stepping into my daughter’s room, though, to have this self-hate and self-judgement full force in my face and that firm grip on control goes out the window.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
A shadow is born
We all have basic human needs: love, food, stable living conditions, security, a sense of belonging and being nurtured. Children, especially, are dependent on their parents to fulfil these needs. The disapproval of caregivers may threaten children’s perceived safety and belonging. The child will then make sure that she adjusts to the standards and expectations of the adults to ensure their needs are met. To belong, we go out of our way to adapt and any aspect of ourselves that prevents this is disowned and becomes deeply buried in our subconscious.
Unfortunately, “out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work with the shadow parts. Their ability to take over control of a particular situation may leave us speechless in the aftermath, impacting our relationships and our sense of self and makes us wonder who we are.
How do we become aware of those shadow parts?
Mindfulness and awareness of our reactions, emotions and feelings are helpful in becoming the Sherlock Holmes of our Shadow Self.
Projection
Identifying with those undesired qualities in us isn’t the most natural thing to do. Therefore, our mind projects these qualities onto others and we see them in others rather than ourselves. And that is the trigger: Being irritated by someone’s stinginess is a result of not owning one’s own. Being stingy may have been frowned upon in the past, or one may have had an imprinting experience about being stingy and then being shamed or reprimanded as a consequence.
A child can very well express the shadow qualities of the parents. Imagine a mother who is deeply insecure and is masking it with forceful and outwardly confident behaviour. If her daughter has a shy and insecure personality, it is very unlikely that mum would accept these characteristics in her daughter as it will remind her about that hidden insecurity within herself.
Social Media is fertile ground to raise a plethora of Shadow Selves. The number of likes and shares and the types of comments can and do very much shape an ‘ideal’ personality to increase the number of followers and a sense of success and belonging.In this process one loses the connection to one’s real self. Being overly concerned about the image created for the outside world, exploring one’s internal landscape to stand true as who we are becomes irrelevant.
Pretense
To fit into the norms of our environment, to be “normal” and therefore accepted by family, friends, colleagues and others, it is best to stick to mainstream thoughts, expressions, ideas, behaviors and way of living. Pretending to be a certain way without showing our true self is one way to keep our non-acceptable parts in the dark. Our flexibility and adaptability ensure that we won’t be rejected, have a place in the community and thus, the aspect that seeks to belong is at peace.
Sooner or later though we sense the internal conflict when the call for authenticity gets louder and louder. This incongruence drains energy. The word “fraud” may linger in the back of the mind as we realize that we are wearing many masks to hide our real self.
“If no one else, the dying must notice how unreal, how full of pretense, is all that we accomplish here, where nothing is allowed to be itself.”
Self-Sabotage
At times we may realize that even though we put in an enormous amount of time, effort and energy to achieve a goal, we “fail” in doing so. It is worth exploring the underlying beliefs related to that self-defeating pattern. Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail to bolster our belief in our inadequacy. This is very likely a shadow self running its destructive dynamic.
The Shadow Self Invitation
The initial response to such an invitation could be to push the Shadow Self even further into the shadow. Running away from what we don’t like about ourselves, what makes us feel different, rejected, shunned, shamed or outcast, will not reduce its hidden ruling power in our life. Keeping these traits in the furthest corner of our subconscious won’t give us the opportunity to explore their roots and context and how to express them constructively and productively.
Another possible response could be to make it a mission to “fix” ourselves by finally eradicating those disowned parts. Trying to fix ourselves has the underlying notion that we are not okay in the first place. Not wanting to be labelled lazy we start to pile more and more work onto our plate, not resting, not saying no, so the fix here is hyperactivity. Rejecting that weak part in us, we adopt an aggressive demeanor and we over exert, hoping to finally get rid of this weakness.
What’s in it for you working with your Shadow Self?
Working with the Shadow Shelf is a rewarding experience. It is an invitation to become authentic, whole and compassionate with ourselves and others. Integrating one shadow part after another allows us to accept ourselves step by step for who we really are. Sitting compassionately with those parts that we disowned for so long - to welcome them home - births the insight that we have been ‘whole’ since day one. These hidden elements hold a key to deeper, more inclusive self-knowledge.
Once we accept that we can be lazy, stingy, full of hatred, envious, bitchy or arrogant, it is a relief to drop the pretense and the fear of not being good enough, not being lovable. Of course, this isn’t a free invitation to act out. Rather than judging others and pointing a finger at them, take the opportunity to see in which situations we too go overboard with our reactions and behaviours. It only takes the right trigger for us to turn from Mr Jekyll into Mr Hyde.
To accept that under certain conditions we too experience rage or hatred beyond what we imagined was possible or that we too can be scheming and malicious is something that is difficult for many. With practice and awareness come mastery and this compassionate acceptance of ourselves and others is transformative.
In the peace and stillness that follows, we sense the soft, faint opening of the heart to embrace ourselves. We open up to the notion that we too are good enough and lovable just the way we are. This naturally leads to the acceptance of others for who they are because we are at peace with those parts that they mirror back to us. We dare to look into the mirror again and be at ease with the self that is reflected back, getting more comfortable living who and what we are.
“When you make peace with yourself, the world will mirror back that same level of peace.”
The best aspect of shadow work is that it points us towards qualities and internal resources that we admire in others but believe we don’t possess ourselves. Celebrity admiration, idolization or hero-worship are the results of that projection. Contrary to what we have learned or decided to believe about ourselves, we do possess great strengths, skills and talent. These resources were merely buried beneath beliefs of inadequacy, inability and lack of self-worth. Realizing this is an empowering gift of shadow work.
Accepting this inner treasure chest creates a beautiful canvas of our being, enabling us to step off the beaten path into a new landscape full of opportunities to create a different narrative of our life. Rewarding relationships, the ability to surrender to what is, self-acceptance, compassion, self-love and joy are just a few changes we notice as a result working with the Shadow Self. Since there is no reason to hide anything anymore, our life force can flow freely and support us in expressing ourselves and creating the life we want to live.
Our Shadow is an invitation to be human and for a full appreciation of our uniqueness.