How Real Are You? Practising Authenticity
“The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife―is sure to be noticed.”
MEANING WELL AND YET IT'S NOT HELPING
I have a great friend whom I can go to with anything bothering me. There was a time, though, that all I got was a knowing smile and responses such as "Just think positive.", "It's all in your head.", "Look at it from the bright side.", and "You are too negative."
At one point, I didn't want to share anything anymore because I knew these phrases too. Yet that was how I was feeling: down, tired, and unmotivated at times. I also knew my friend meant well. How helpful were those comments?
Advising a chronically-depressed friend to have more fun feels a bit like telling someone drowning they should appreciate the gorgeous scenery around them.
All I needed at those moments was someone to be present and to LISTEN to my struggles. I didn't need anyone to solve my problem, correct me, or give me a different point of view. Instead, I needed someone to be present when I spoke out loud about what was happening within me - that I was struggling, hurting, and upset.
After a while, I felt something must be wrong with me. Maybe I didn't try hard enough to think positive, or maybe there was a trick to turn the switch, and voila - it would all be rainbows? Indeed, I must have missed the point. It seemed to be so easy for my friend. And yet, the exaggerated emphasis on thinking positively at all costs didn't sit well with me.
And, what's the point of sharing about yourself with someone who can't connect to you because they can't relate to negative feelings or perhaps are afraid to face their own? When someone is constantly whitewashing their feelings and emotions, others don't feel at ease to share openly and authentically. This way, we can begin to feel increasingly lonely in our relationships. We might even start pretending that everything is perfect in life. I know quite a few people who appear consistently funny and upbeat, pretending everything is well. Yet, deep within themselves, they struggle to keep the painful reality at bay.
Photo by Krzysztof Kowalik on Unsplash
LIFE AND DUALITY
Everything in life is based on duality: light and dark, yin and yang, warm and cold, wet and dry, etc. Yet, somehow only the positive thoughts and feelings seem to be acceptable. So, we do our best to cover up, deny, and ignore the hurt, pain, doubts, and fears.
Life isn't without challenge. Positive thinking may help to navigate the situation better. Realistically, there isn't much positive to say when someone just lost a close friend, beloved family member, or pet.
Being a HeartMath Coach, I know that focusing on regenerative emotions such as gratitude, joy, appreciation, and love helps us become more resilient, have easier access to our inner wisdom, sleep better, and reduce anxiety and depression. It's also important to remember that negative emotions aren't our enemy. Instead, they are part of a healthy emotional landscape.
A few days ago, I understood that I had never dealt with the grief of sending my kids to boarding school 12 years ago. Each time they left after the holidays, I pushed those painful feelings away by diverting my focus. I would tell myself that they receive an excellent education, have new life experiences, etc.
When I finally connected with the guilt and grief, I realized how much I had lied to myself and ignored my real feelings. I had masked these feelings with all sorts of positive thoughts. Those negative feelings, however, never disappeared. On the contrary, we know that ignoring our negative emotions can affect our physical and mental health.
BE REAL
Being honest to ourselves and others about how we feel and what we think is crucial for healthy relationships with others and ourselves.
Saying yes and pretending all is well so that we fit into the molds of society and what's "in" right now is detrimental to our well-being in the long run. Is it more important to be liked or to be true to yourself?
What would it feel like to be honest the next time someone asks you how you are? Uncomfortable? Scary?
For sure, it can feel scary. But, this is an opening to discover more about yourself. So, we can start here by finding out what is so frightening about sharing who we are.
BECOME AUTHENTIC
Here are some suggestions to help you become more honest with yourself and others.
The Bach Flower Agrimony supports turning towards our shadow parts and holding them lightly rather than pushing them back into hiding. This Bach Flower remedy is excellent for those who pretend that everything is well when in fact, within they suffer.
Plan a Social Media Break - If you are prone to get influenced by the "positive" posts of friends and influencers or if you feel down when scrolling through "uplifting" feeds, take a break from those platforms. By going offline, you create the space and time to reflect on where you are at right now and what YOU need to feel uplifted and motivated.
Get to the source of your fear of sharing your authentic self. What are your worries? How do you think people will respond when they learn how you feel? What is the worst thing that can happen when you say "no" to something or when you stop sugarcoating what you think?
EFT, Focusing, Regression Therapy, Inner Child Work, and NLP are some approaches that can offer support in overcoming these hurdles.
Being honest with yourself is essential. Maybe you are at a crossroads. Perhaps you are wondering about the next steps or the direction of your life. For example, downplaying that you feel miserable in a relationship because you are afraid of being alone means, you won't do the necessary to feel happier.
Making excuses for someone's bullying and not standing up for yourself because you are worried about the consequences isn't going to change the situation for the better.
Sharing honestly what you feel and finding support to make the necessary changes supports personal growth. Being mindful helps to assess whether you are spiraling down and what to do to prevent that.
It doesn't mean not feeling the feeling.
Instead, acknowledge it, stay present, explore its needs and wants, and then take a step towards what will feel better.
You are too precious to lose yourself. Instead, turn towards yourself, open up to your feelings, and accept them as part of a healthy emotional landscape.
That will lead to happiness.