Burnout? Yes! My Story & What I learned
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartment. Please pull down the mask and place it over your mouth and nose first before assisting others.”
When I hear that sitting on the plane, ready for take-off, I think, “Isn’t that obvious?” It is so obvious that it took many flights and years of stretching myself thin before I finally accepted that this advice is not only about flight safety. It applies to life in general.
There are other great sayings, like “Help yourself before you help others.” We hear it but we aren’t heeding it. Did I think I was different? That I was a superwoman? For far too many reasons (and excuses) to go into, I thought that I could manage it all. I thought I could just push myself. That I was supposed to. And that I would see the warning signs early enough to say stop.
One day I realized that I couldn’t even enjoy a weekend without thinking about work. I felt I had to do another client analysis, write a new copy for the website, run another round of testing for my latest project… I felt guilty about not doing enough. Not doing more.
I ended up being burned out.
Yes. Me, a holistic health practitioner.
Me, someone who helps clients uncover beliefs that hold them hostage to a vicious cycle of exertion, depletion and a loss of zest.
Me, someone who points out the obvious to others and yet, I treated myself as if I were invincible, my body an unstoppable machine. Juggling family and work was manageable, or so I thought. Everyone else is doing it, I thought. (Or were they?) When my second business demanded a lot more of my time, this became a whole different story.Yes, by that time my kids had gone abroad for school, and yet my body finally decided to flag me down. I realized that sheer willpower wrongly applied takes a toll sooner or later.
THE SLOW CLIMB
“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
It was time for a change and I thought implementing the changes I wanted would be simple, especially the most basic ones like eating three meals a day, going to bed early, and doing things that I enjoy doing. Sounded simple and doable.
In the next few months, I took stock. Three meals a day - not consistently. Going to bed early - no. Doing things that I enjoy doing – mmh, still a long way to go.
Even the most straightforward changes were a challenge for me. Not only that, most of the time my workaholic habits did not deliver the desired results. I worked more but had less valuable output because of the rigidity, the lack of focus on the bigger picture and the energy drain that come with overexertion. I wasn’t able to determine what was really important to take care of first, what could wait and which tasks to outsource. I started to procrastinate, felt bad about that, beat myself up and pushed myself to do more. I resented myself for not being able to “function” anymore, for being weak, for being unable to keep up with an endless to-do list, and worse, for treating myself so badly. A vicious cycle.
WHAT SELF-CARE REALLY MEANS
During this time, the concept of self-care started to take on a very different meaning for me. It was no longer only about taking time off for a massage, going for a walk, or doing all the things I enjoy. Eating a healthy diet and exercising helped to make me feel better, but it didn’t stop the harsh self-denying voice in my head. The voice that chided me for not doing something “productive.” The voice that made me feel guilty.
Grudgingly I accepted that it was time to examine and excavate the deeply ingrained beliefs that blocked self-love and self-care. I had already explored the underlying causes of many aspects of my life. Yet, I had managed to avoid the most important and intimate one - my relationship with myself. No wonder my other relationships also started to suffer.
Switching from listening to an inner critic to an inner caretaker has been an ongoing journey with ups and downs. It invited me to question my views on nurturing, self-love and authenticity. I examined how love has been expressed in my family, by my parents and grandparents and how that reflected and informed how I treated myself. I worked through past life themes of survival, scarcity, obligations and vows to clan and family. Also issues that had shaped the lives of my ancestors, whose vibrations I have brought with me into this life.
I started to understand the underlying concerns and fears that pushed me to exhaust myself in my work. While on this journey, I learned that therapist burn-out isn’t as uncommon as I thought. It surprised me at first and then led me to realize the ability to help clients to deal with emotional and mental issues did not mean we are perfect at it ourselves.
I AM HUMAN
I am human, going through the same life challenges as everyone else. I too have blindspots and need help to uncover them. I need to develop ways and mechanisms that help me respond appropriately to situations and with care for myself.
WHAT I LEARNED
Even though I do my very best, I might not be the right person to work with the client. I don’t have all the answers, and so it is best to refer the client to someone I think could be a better match. That isn’t a failure. It is acting with integrity and professionalism. It takes maturity to recognize a different skill set or experience is required for the client. Oftentimes what the client needs is not necessarily my skills. It is my full presence, compassion, and uniqueness that I offer to my clients. It is my ability to sit with them, listen and then ask the right questions.
Develop the courage and strength to say no. I honour myself by setting healthy boundaries and by doing the things I really want to do and not what other people think I should do or what I don’t enjoy.
“When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
Sit back before responding so I can listen to those parts within me that would want to react immediately. To listen to their needs and then answer from a more informed compassionate space. By doing this I don’t have to mull over my response again later. It’s my truth, and I can live with that without bad feelings. Becoming more aware of my own inner landscape, I use less energy to be someone I am not. Being always on the move and piling on more and more things to do is a sign to actually STOP and do nothing. To be quiet and to listen inwards. Chances are I am running away from an inconvenient truth with these distractions.
“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
A good support system is crucial. I don’t have to pretend to have my act together at all times and asking for help is okay. Asking for help isn’t a weakness, a flaw in the “Made in Germany” model. It’s taking care of myself.
I am the only one who decides as to where and when I want to make a change in my life. I am the one who is in control as to when I want to say ‘it’s enough’ and move on.
Pay attention to the quality of my thoughts. When I discover another hurtful pattern, it is important to treat myself with more compassion. The inner critic is there for a reason. I can continue to do the things I enjoy doing despite my inner critic. The more time I spend with it, the more I understand its purpose and its needs.
When I treat myself with appreciation and respect, others do the same. Clients no longer text me at night for a so-called “emergency” and if they do, I am okay to reply the next morning. I am more selective with whom I spend my time and those times turn out to be rewarding for everyone.
I can take a horse to water, I can’t make it drink. I am not responsible for the pace at which a person changes or whether they want to change at all. And if I am the horse, well then, it’s my responsibility to do what I can to make the change happen that I want to see.
It is helpful to take stock on a regular basis, to evaluate whether I am still passionate about what I am doing and to focus on my strengths. Ask for help with what I am not good at so that I don’t get frustrated and lose energy over it. And yes, I enjoy my monthly visit to the onsen with my best girl-friend, a good massage from time to time and regular outings with my camera. I have learned to say yes and no without feeling guilty and it makes a big difference. Doing less is often more. Prioritizing tasks allows me to have the time to think things through, execute and tick them off my to-do- list much faster. I am less frazzled, more grounded and spend less time worrying about not getting things done.
I am grateful for the support that I am given, the friendships I have, my blessings, my life.
Self-care has many facets. It is a very personal journey to find what works for each of us to gain inner balance, fulfillment and satisfaction.
“Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.”
Just remember that in the end, it is about you and your life, how well you lived it and how many lives you have touched. And all of that is best done with an oxygen mask on your face first.