Being Grateful for Everything?
As we gear up for the festive season, I like to spend some time reflecting on the ups and downs of the year. There is a lot to be grateful for. In the last few years, the power of gratitude has gone mainstream, almost a hype. Maybe it’s because science backs up the physical, mental, and emotional benefits of a regular sincere gratitude practice. Being grateful is good for us. It’s that simple.
With the new year around the corner, this is the perfect time to think about gratitude.
Let’s take a few moments now and think about some of the things we can be grateful for. A roof over our head, a healthy body, all-weather friends, a functioning mind, a cup of delicious coconut milk latte, parents who worked hard to afford our education, access to clean drinking water, city parks to relax in… The list is truly endless if we choose to establish a daily gratitude practice, and I invite you to do that.
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
It’s easy to be grateful for these things and for the people who love us and make life’s challenges tolerable. But how about shitty events like getting sacked, a broken friendship, a messy divorce, physical abuse, an accident, or the death of someone dear to you? What? Wait a minute, are we supposed to be grateful for these things? Why on earth should we be grateful for difficult and challenging situations and people? For losing people we love? For people who make us feel like shit?
HERE'S THE THING - IT'S NOT ABOUT SMOOTH SAILING
Let’s face it – sailing is a beautiful pastime when the weather is excellent and the boat under control. It’s not so fun when bad weather threatens to capsize the whole adventure. No one in his right mind would waste a split second to be grateful for a storm. Likewise, when the proverbial shit hits the fan, most people won’t take the time to sit and ponder the meaning of the situation or to find the silver lining. Instead many will first either feel overwhelmed by their emotions or do their best to solve the problem at hand.
In Buddhism, being born as a human being is a very rare privilege. When I heard this the first time, I wondered why would so many people then have to endure so much pain and suffering when human existence is such a privilege? Shouldn’t we all be happy? Shouldn’t we reap the benefits of privilege?
Over time I understood that our most significant growth spurts in the evolution as a soul can happen when we face adverse conditions.
Jack Kornfield, a Western Buddhist master, shares that in some Buddhist traditions challenges and obstacles are actually requested. “May I be given the appropriate difficulties so that my heart can truly open with compassion.” Of course, no one would consciously choose severe illness, losing everything in a fire, being born disabled, and so on. We choose it on a soul level.
Like a diamond, which is polished with abrasive diamond powder, our personality and character are very much formed by the challenges in life. Like a diamond, our inner radiance is more brilliant once our facets are cut from the raw form.
If life were always smooth sailing, our resilience, strength, and courage wouldn’t be tested and exercised. Like muscles, these qualities become stronger with resistance. Through these tests, we are presented with opportunities to reflect on what has been working for us and what hasn’t. We see with more clarity the masks we have chosen. We also unearth hidden inner qualities and we grow. We learn love over fear.
GRATITUDE IS NOT A MUST
Positivity and gratitude are essential in life. I am however against using gratitude to suppress unpleasant emotions such as sadness, anger, despair and the feelings of hopelessness and emptiness. When we wallow in self-pity and are functioning from victim mode, gratitude is helpful to shift our pain-focused perspective.
In a technique (is it a technique?) called Focusing, instead of saying “I am sad” we locate a sad part within. This allows us to go from an overwhelming feeling of sadness to the realization that it’s only a part of us that feels sad. Not all of us is sad. Other parts may be neutral, angry or even at peace at the same time. A state of misery will most likely reduce in intensity when we stop focusing on what we feel is a loss or failure. Maybe we didn’t get the promotion. We can still be grateful for the exciting project that we got assigned to.
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT EMOTIONS
Feeling – really feeling – difficult emotions is a challenge for most people.
The death of a loved one, losing your job, and coming to terms with a failed business freak us out because they touch on that part of us that desperately strives to ensure our survival is met.
Well-meaning friends may offer “you always wanted to take a sabbatical anyway.” Or they may suggest that in the worst-case scenario, you can sell the house. While rational, these comments are not particularly helpful when we are wrecked with worry about how to feed the family and pay the mortgage. Rather than ignoring or sugar-coating these intense feelings and emotions, I encourage clients to face them and acknowledge them as part of the experience. They have value as much as joy and happiness. These feelings and emotions are part of who we are and they are a part of a wide range of emotions and feelings we as humans are capable of expressing.
“I think our capacity for Wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted. It means engaging with the world from a place of vulnerability and worthiness.”
Denying the existence of these difficult emotions and setting up a façade of positivity and happiness will sooner or later take a toll on our well-being. Negative feelings and emotions are uncomfortable. Scary, even.
“It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions - especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage and grief.”
This doesn’t mean that we have to get stuck on that end of the scale. Ideally, we acknowledge and healthily express our emotions and feelings and then move on. That’s when reflection helps us find meaning in the experience and sincere gratitude enables us to come to a closure.
DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME?
Being present with someone going through a tough time can also be challenging. We often confront our own shadow, helplessness and unease. Is it surprising that we try to ease our friend’s worry with well-meaning statements such as “Look at the bright side” or “Be grateful for what you have.” We want to help the other person to step up out of the misery and develop a more positive perspective. We also don’t want to feel helpless and uncomfortable witnessing someone else’s hardship.
Comments like these, however, most likely trigger resentment and frustration in the receiver, who may feel unheard and their struggles as not valid. While we are trying to help someone feel better and have a more positive outlook, we are inadvertently sending the message that it’s not okay to feel miserable, sad or depressed. People often get stuck in the victim mode and feel ashamed about it.
GRATITUDE IN REAL LIFE
Emotion is energy in motion and it has a unique vibrational signature.
Anger, grief, sadness, envy and fear sit on the lower end of frequencies whereas love, happiness and gratitude have much higher vibrations. Emotions, like all vibrations, affect us on both mental and emotional levels. They also affect us physically because they accumulate in specific organs or areas of the body.
All of us have felt anxious and know that it is difficult to switch from that to feeling grateful or appreciative. One reason is that these vibrations affect us on all levels. We may also be experiencing a low but chronic level of fight or flight. In this mode, stress hormones are released and flood our system, which affects our rational brain.
To access the high frequency of gratitude, we first need to prepare the ground for it. One way is to move our focus to the breath. Breathing in and out slower than usual will help to normalize the heartbeat. We then can move into a space where we can enter a state of appreciation and gratitude.The more we can recall the physical memory of gratitude together with the feeling of gratitude, the easier it is to reconnect with this high-level vibration.
It is a beautiful practice, and I recommend it when life is going well for you, simply because it is easier to tune into gratitude when you are in a good space. A teacher of mine once said that ideally we start the practice of meditation when life is flowing to build up some stamina so we can better deal with the rough times and keep the practice going. It’s the same with a gratitude practice. And you will notice that the rough times won't get to you as much. Overall you will feel better too.