Finding Beauty in Old Age
My cat Ming is slowly growing old. The graying hair at the tip of her tail is becoming more prominent, and she prefers lying in front of the fridge where it is warm.
We all grow old. I do too, though I don’t notice it so much. That is, apart from a new wrinkle on my forehead from time to time. Growing old is something we don’t think about.
My grandparents ended up in an old age home, where there was little stimulation. It was depressing to witness how each year their mind deteriorated more because of that. I also felt helpless, watching my grandmother become frail and weak, too weak to eat.
I can understand why most people don’t like thinking about getting old. It is often a time connected with a loss of autonomy, mobility and control and declining health and cognitive abilities. Old age is often equated with loneliness, isolation and even lack of purpose.
Unsurprisingly, the beauty and anti-aging industry is a multi-billion-dollar business. The amount of money and time spent on anti-wrinkle creams, serums, chemical peels, botox, etc is staggering. Smooth, glowing and collagen-filled skin is synonymous with youth, vitality, beauty, and yes, potential. Yet growing old is merely the slowing down of a natural cellular process that happens at different rates. Some of our cells are dying every few hours, some after days, others after months or years. Every few years, we have an entirely new body that does its best to adjust to environmental, mental and physical stressors.
It is a natural process – the cycle of life, deterioration and death and it happens within us all the time, and we witness it in daily life. Projects go through a sequence of birth, development and completion. Friendships start, grow and at times end. I believe it is not so much old age itself that we avoid accepting, but the final part of our life, death itself, and how we live up to that final stage of our journey. Aging gracefully and being young at heart are expressions that can point us towards a different way of growing old.
Our attitude towards life
Curiosity might kill the cat but continuously exploring new concepts, stretching our imagination, not taking no for an answer, engaging in new activities and expanding our comfort zone keeps the mind engaged. These are all ways to build new neural pathways because our brain does keep changing and growing past childhood. A resilient mind helps us to stay young.
I recently watched a documentary about centennials. All of them were clear in their mind, remained engaged in their communities, drove cars as long as they could and participated in creative activities. What struck me was their positive attitude towards life. They were embracing it thoroughly and met with changes with an upbeat attitude.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Living life with appreciation and other renewing emotions, such as love, joy and openness triggers the release of DHEA, a youth hormone and thus keeps us youthful.
Relationships and Connections
For some of us, the ideal place to live is a remote island. Unless the purpose of living on that island is researching the love life of hermit crabs, or writing a book, most of us are not made for a life in isolation and solitude.
In their book “The 5 Choices - The Path to Extraordinary Productivity”, Kogon, Merril and Rinne highlight “when we have close, mutually nurturing relationships in our lives, we have a treasured source of energy and well-being.”¹ No wonder we dread isolation and a lack of social interaction. What about social media for connecting? Don’t make a mistake and believe that online connections offer the same effects as real interactions.
“In one study that looked at Internet use and its effects on relationships, researchers found that cyberspace relationships do not provide the kind of psychological support and happiness derived from real-life contact. This is because, as Robert Kraut, the study’s author, suggested, ‘there are more cases where you’re building shallow relationships, leading to an overall decline in feeling of connection to other people’.”²
Purpose
My great grand aunt, aunt Adele, died at the age of 105. She had been single her whole life but remained engaged in various communities until her death. Before she moved into an old age home, she lived by herself on the top floor of an old apartment building with a creaking dark wooden staircase and no lift. The whole house was involved in helping her with chores she couldn’t do herself anymore, such as carrying coal bricks and grocery up to the 10th floor and the brave ones would clean her windows.
I remember one day seeing her busy with an enormous puzzle of 5000 pieces. I just checked it out, it’s 42” x 62”. That’s slightly smaller than half a ping pong table. She would patiently look out for the next piece to add to the big patch of blue sky. Sometimes other tenants popped in to check in on her and help her find another puzzle piece. This is how she forged relationships. She made it a point to bake lemon pound cakes on a regular basis as a gift to those who helped her. When she finally moved into the old age home, she organized herself with a small oven. She would collect the butter from her breakfast to continue to bake these cakes and gift them to staff or others who in her eyes needed something to sweeten their life.
Aunt Adele was clear in her mind until she died. She engaged in conversations about the meaning of life, and helped others in whichever little way she could.
“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”
Old folks are treasure boxes full of experience and wisdom. Even though life is moving on, the elderly can still contribute to society, not as cleaners at McDonald’s but as a bridge between the old and the new.
They need a purpose, something they can engage in with their mind and their heart. They may not be as fast anymore in attending to tasks, but they don’t need to, they have time. Being self-sufficient, in control of things as long as possible and being engaged with the young in meaningful ways help them to feel they are still valued members of this world.
More and more communities all over the world are initiating pilot projects of home-sharing, where students move in together with the elderly, who live alone in large apartments. The youngsters agree to run errands and spend some quality time with the landlord for subsidized rent and a home away from home. An excellent way to bridge a gap and to create meaningful relationships.
Acceptance not resistance
“Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength.”
Clinging to fading youth and resisting the natural process of “ripening” causes stress. Acknowledging the fact that the body slows down with age helps us to actively prepare for this new stage in life proactively. We can start by appreciating the lessons we have learned. These are events that helped us grow stronger and more courageous and that gave us the last push to say “no” to an abusive relationship or a job that wasn’t fulfilling.
Reflecting upon the many times we were able to impact someone’s life positively, brought a smile to someone’s face, pulled something through despite resistance, or stepped up and out, we realize that these successes allowed us to ripen and grow.
Having a compassionate, forgiving and accepting relationship with ourselves is much easier when we get older. I notice that I have become more patient over the years with others who are “younger” only because I feel that we all are on our own journey and everyone has a different pace. It’s the journey that is important, not the destination. And even in “the golden years” there is lots to discover about ourselves. It might be worthwhile to share our lives more in detail with our children or grandchildren. It could help them better understand who they are.
My friend’s grandmother documented her life in a book, and my friend shared with me that reading it helped her tremendously to understand the whole family and herself better. Perhaps writing down how life unfolded for us and reminiscing about it helps us to discover hidden gems in our life. We can even accept missed opportunities and marvel at how life orchestrated almost miraculously to connect some loose threads.
Sometimes life might not turn out the way we wanted it. Yet in everything, there is an opportunity to learn and to grow, and so it is with aging. Acknowledging, rather than avoiding, that life is finite reminds us to make the most out of it.
Do you enjoy life and celebrate your journey?
Last but not least, I believe that there is always another chance. We are nomads, and with each lifetime we evolve as spiritual beings, and the end is the opportunity for new beginnings.
“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom.
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Resources:
¹ Kory Kogon, Adam Merrill, Leena Rinne – The 5 Choices - The Path to Extraordinary Productivity, Simon & Schuster, 2015, p193
² Rebecca Z. Shafir - The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction, Weathon, IL; Quest Books, 2012, p243