We All Have Lied: Reasons Why We Avoid Self-honesty
I am not talking about white lies to save someone from the truth.
I’m referring to those times when we’ve made up an excuse because we’ve overpromised and couldn’t deliver on it or because we didn’t want to own up to our mistakes. Maybe we said we were feeling under the weather when we didn’t want to go to a party, event, or work. To save face, we may have lied to cover up the fact we didn’t know something or have an answer. Have you twisted “facts'' to gain an advantage in a relationship or at work?
When we are lied to, we get upset. Whether it's a small or a big lie, a black, gray, or white one, it triggers feelings of being unimportant, not valuable, stupid, or taken advantage of. Depending on previous experiences, we may feel that our values and our self-perception are under attack.
Being at the receiving end of a lie certainly causes us to trust others less. Instead of seeing something is wrong with the liar, we feel something is wrong with us that others have to lie to us. As a result, we doubt ourselves and may become more distant and guarded.
We work to avoid similar situations.
The Main Reason We Avoid Self-honesty
Yet, why do we continuously lie to ourselves?
We do, and we don't even realize it.
We wear masks for the different roles we play in order to fit into the expectations of society, family, and friends. We’ve worn these masks for so long that we start to believe that's who we are. Over time, we drift away from our values, what brings us joy, and what brings us home to ourselves. We disconnect from how we feel.
However, our inner compass still works., Somewhere deep within, there is a place that knows our dishonesty. We may choose not to listen to this inner voice and instead continue to believe the stories we constructed to make our experiences bearable. We may, for example, think our child will be traumatized for the rest of her life if we would announce our plans to divorce. So we stay in the marriage feeling miserable.
Some of us may have a very high threshold before something in us breaks, or life comes to a grinding halt, and we are forced to look at the lies we’ve told ourselves.
The main reason why people lie is that they are afraid of facing the consequences of being honest.
Very often, we can find the roots of this fear way back in childhood. When we are little, we often feel powerless and come to believe not speaking up or hiding the truth is the only way to stay safe and connected.
It's not any different when it comes to lying to ourselves.
Photo by Isaac Viglione on Unsplash
It hurts to face the truth.
We may have messed up a relationship to the point of no return, or we chose an easy way out and lost a great opportunity, or we have to admit that we aren't as good as we thought.
Our ego is bruised, and we may feel shame, embarrassment, and guilt.
Who likes to sit with these uncomfortable feelings?
When we lie, we lose
We also underestimate the consequences of deceiving ourselves. It’s one of the most common blocks to our personal development and growth.
Without connection, our inner compass diminishes over time, and we lose touch with ourselves. As we become less aligned with who we are, we experience more confusion and inner conflict about what to do or say. Life looks cloudy because we lack clarity. We send out confusing signals to others and jeopardize our relationships.
Not knowing our truth means we cannot share that truth with others. All we can share is our masked self. Trying to present ourselves as someone we are not so we fit someone else's ideals or expectations is a recipe for disconnection and disappointment. The most stable relationships are built on openness, honesty, and acceptance.
Because it takes a lot more energy to resist what is true for us, we become depleted energetically.
In these ways, we block the flow of life energy and court disease, and instead of living our fullest life, everything feels dull and empty.
And so, what to do?
Remember, you are the captain of your ship.
And the best route is to set sail for one of the most challenging and fulfilling journeys in the chartered map of life - crossing the rough sea of self-honesty.
Being honest with ourselves means looking without judgement at what presents itself moment by moment within us. This includes owning up to your mistakes, being okay with not knowing everything, and being less than the best version of yourself at times.
Acknowledging and accepting how we feel in a situation rather than brushing it under the carpet helps to create a space to examine their origins and the beliefs and perspectives we created around it. In addition, being honest with ourselves helps define our core values, desires, and beliefs as a non-negotiable foundation for our direction in life. This way, we are less affected by other people’s opinions and expectations.
This process is like decluttering our home.
There are fewer and fewer scary closets we’ve stuffed who knows what into to appear put together to others. We’re not tripping on boxes or piles of magazines walking around. Instead, we experience more space within ourselves, clarity, and inner room to maneuver and adjust on the spot without fearing what other people might think.
As we grow into ourselves, our frame of reference changes. Even our values can change. The new values will inform our choices and response to life. We pivot to find authentic alignment as we examine emerging preferences and beliefs and continue to become genuinely self-honest.
It’s a journey of being comfortable in our own skin and speaking our truth.